It's just so much to overcome...
That each of them would say to this day (had one of them not finally died) that they loved me. And I have to sympathize with their confusion and anger, because I KNOW they think they do . . .or did. That they will lie until they believe themselves. That they can't step one foot towards compromise or discomfort for my benefit. But what's grieving me most today is their being so deluded by arrogance or ego or habit that in their minds I became the perpetrator, the rebel, the disruptor. Because I 'did not accept' what they offered as love.
I do not accept that I am less than. I do not accept that he and his priorities always come first. I do not accept that sharing your penis shows compassion or joy or even affection. I do not accept that this is the best any of them had to offer. They let themselves off far too easily, these so called men. I do not accept it.
And for that, I must be cast out. Tossed aside. Left. Alone. Still.
The overcoming takes knowledge and power, fortitude, courage, patience, stamina, strength, agility, time. I have developed a few of these. I had become dependent on there being someone with whom to share my heavy cargo. That may have been my fatal mistake. And my energies are waning with each blow that comes. What if I can't keep going? What do they win? What will I have lost? A chance to be used again? What if I can't get to the other side? What if I'm afraid that what is there is more of the same? The answer is - I just do, they don't win, I've lost nothing, I will be strong enough, I can, and if there is more of the same for me, perhaps I'll have taught my daughters to declare with every fiber of their beings, "I do not accept this!"
The cargo was always mine and the someone became too tired? overburdened? disinterested? Or was it that they never intended to help? I had delusions of my own: that we wanted that future together. I did not see that only those willing to tiptoe daily past the sleeping giant, dressed in emperors clothes would be granted refuge in the comfort we had depicted.
The overcoming means destroying illusions, letting go of dreams, forgiving oneself and others and accepting what is real.
So. . .
I am more than. You are incapable of recognizing things that threaten your comfort and safety. My priorities, once they're established are equally as valuable as anyone's and require compromise for the rewards to be shared. You should try harder to be the person you want to be because I'm sure if you could see clearly, you would know that this is not it. There is no giant and I will not tiptoe.
The house is quiet because I have no cable. I have to keep my phone calls to a minimum because I could only commit to the smallest plan due to a limited pool of money, an unspecified amount of time to live on it. The streets were quiet last night because I was out on them alone. Alone. Still. It could be worse, I could still be believing in any one of those 'men'.
4 hours ago