Monday

Open Letter to Jerry Seinfeld

Today I had the privilege of watching Bee Movie and I wanted to thank and congratulate you. As the mother of a three and six year old, I'm often forced to endure movies that are supposedly geared toward their age but are sappy, syrupy insults to the senses or movies marketed to them that contain subject matter, humor or dialog that they're just not ready for. Bee Movie was dead on!! Entertaining, educational, moral, humorous - well done!!!

I can only begin to imagine the effort it took to stay within the lines on this one and honor the talent it took to get it done that way. Some nerve it took, to make a good quality family movie in an era where schlock sells so well. To not succumb to the lower standard in story, talent, and message is really to be commended! And is so very appreciated.

Having never served as a movie critic, I certainly wouldn't offer this as such. While watching the movie, I couldn't help but think back to the Seinfeld nights of my college years. Good times!!! And innumerable catch phrases, some that survive to this day. To think the same brain could contribute creatively to and act so energetically in that genre and this many years later come up with such a phenomenal children's flick... It's extraordinary!!

This is the only method I have to share with you my tremendous admiration for your talent and respect for your professional credibility.

While I do really mean this and hope it finds its way to Mr. Seinfeld, I realize that my urgent need to write this the minute the movie ended was my real self crying out to my Mommy self to get out and do something!!!!! Soon back to our regularly scheduled somewhat mature blogging schedule.

Saturday

What's that Lassie...you need $4,000 for botox?

No joke, our dog, Liberace, is now taking 6 medications a day. Why, you ask. 'Cause he's so old, you're keeping him alive with drugs? Oh, no...because he is the canine equivalent of me, the medical enigma (we're sure to discuss this on many a later occasion).


He had one knee ligament 'restrung' with nylon at about 4 years old. He just destroyed his knee chasing sticks one night at a bonfire. See, there were about 20 people there and no one paid attention to the fact that before they had thrown the stick for 2 hours straight, more than likely 2 or 3 other people had thrown the stick for several hours. The realization came to us the next morning as each person who emerged from their hangover mentioned that they had thrown a shoulder out or aggravated an old football injury "just throwing a stick for Rachie last night."


He had the other knee done 2 years ago when he was 6. It had been taking so much strain from being the strong one all this time, that it finally gave out, too.


And neither of those surgeries ever explained the wonky walk he's had since puppyhood. Three times we had him checked for hip displasia - all before the knee thing happened - and the various vets all said no. Regardless, about a year ago, he started with periods of immobility due to pain in his hips/knees. We took him in and they gave us glucosamine & painkillers to be given as needed. He refuses to eat the first glucosamine which pretty much means he gets a pain pill every morning so that he can stand. Especially if it's going to to be rainy, he sat out on the concrete too long, or he played too hard the day before.


When we took him in for this weird rash last year, they gave us some more intense glucosamine supplements (which he also refuses to eat) and told us that the rash and his inability to lose weight was due to a thyroid condition. Here we go!!!


So then, he was getting a pain pill just about every morning, thyroid meds morning and evening and an antibiotic 3 times a day to clear the rash. Since then, we've (read: I've) been to the vet with him no less than 5 times with the funky rash which he then licks and scratches to the point of infection. They're pretty sure he's allergic to flea saliva and/or some tree, grass, weed or pollen that he "gets into" by, you know existing as a dog. Have I considered acupuncture?


The other day I noticed him itching. Then I noticed the clumps of fur on the rugs and when I tracked the do down, he'd given himself a sculpted poodle tail by removing pretty much all of the fur in 2 spots along his tail. There's no picture because he'd also gnawed his hindquarters to baboon red and it's so not photogenic!!!!!!!!!


Today's visit to the vet resulted in a new food (venison & potato at $2.84 a pound) which we are to give him for 3 months while we narrow down what he's allergic to. They've taken blood to see what shows up there and whatever they find will result in a referral to a veterinary allergist (closest one 1-1/2 hours away in another state). Meanwhile, Rachie is to get:




his morning pain pill to get him going; benadryl to prevent the hives or other allergic reactions (which cause the itch, which cause the scratching, which cause the infection...); thyroid meds morning & evening; 2 different antibiotics twice a day for 30 days; 8-10 drops of some sh*t in his ears twice a day (somehow he got an infection in his ear this time - flea saliva to hives to itching-to infection or just-for-fun, who knows?) and then the topical spray to put on the bare parts of his tail and hindquarters 2-3 times daily. The gummi-vites in the background of this photo are not for the dog. They are for my children if I have time to get them out of the bottle before we head out the door in the morning.
Just a little fun I'm having that I wanted to share. But now I have to run. We're dog sitting the neighbor's 12 year old lab, Digger, who has CANCER, takes no meds, and wants to go outside and play!!!!!

Monday

Is that flop sweat?

I found myself, last Thursday, in the front passenger seat of a white Ford Taurus on the way to Harrah’s Casino in Cherokee, NC.

How I got there is simple and it is complicated. The simple part is that my father lied to me. The complicated part is that after 17-1/2 years of his absence from my life, I have little context for interpreting what the man says.

He goes to Cherokee at least once a week to gamble. I don’t get it, but it gives him something to do. So, he mentioned a while back that they were giving away a Cadillac that Friday and he was taking me to Cherokee. With a mixture of childlike yearning and what passes for conviction in his life (don’t go by me, what the hell do I know) he told me not to cancel on him at the last minute “with any sick kids or no babysitter or whatever the hell…”. ‘Course it turns out M’oney was on an “away” week and the in-laws only returning to town that very day after 5 days away… In addition to having the kids and the in-laws’ dogs all to myself until 30 minutes before entering the Taurus, it was move-in day for neighbors sharing our driveway, so I played a couple of games of musical driveway during my various errands and preparations. Not that I in any way want a Cadillac or can work up enthusiasm for 14 wasted hours in Harrah’s Cherokee, but maybe winning something would make all the packing & rushing around worth it. If not, at least I might numb myself with a goodly number of ‘free’ drinks at the penny slots.

Or not.


But my point is…It was the 3rd hottest day of the summer. I’d been racing around the better part of the afternoon in an effort to leave everything so a trained monkey could take over for 30 hours without wreaking irreparable harm on the children, house, plants, fish or impeding my Mommy momentum in said categories upon my return. I landed in that Taurus a sweaty, greasy (say it the Southern way to get the best visual) mess; ready for a few drinks and the cash-equivalent take-away of winning that damned Cadillac.

My father has a “respiratory affliction” (read: pansy-ass immune system from decades of meat & potatoes, combined with a neurotic fear of exercise and a healthy dose of Catholic-raised martyr drama disease) which was triggered into a ‘full-blown lung/sinus thing’ by the air conditioning on his previous trip to Cherokee. That was the reason that the air conditioning was not on and not GOING to be on in his car. I sagged a bit at that but vowed to catch each moving breath of 97-degree air that managed to slither in through the open windows – and to make up for it with several drinks immediately upon entering the casino…

Yeah, well…

I endured the ‘conversation’, enjoyed the scenery and tried to stop looking at the temperature controls.




When we arrived at the hotel, I oozed to the did-I-mention-shared room anticipating the whoosh of refrigerated air. No!! Apparently, even in this dry county in the South, they’ve joined the going green bandwagon and turn the air conditioners off unless the room is occupied. Curse!!!!! And when I leaned over to set the controls to appropriately frigid , didn’t the old man holler out another reminder of his respiratory condition and tell me not to set it up past low – and NO fan. Luckily the thing only had cool med, cool high, heat or off. I set it on cool med and splashed some tepid sink water on my shiny face.

I desperately casually mentioned the drinks as we pulled into the casino lot. The laughter that accompanied “You didn’t know this was a dry county?” was symbolically dry and more forced than a Vegas wedding smile. I’d love to see the video of my reaction. Upon entering and locating a check-in machine (unless you’re planning an extended trip to Cherokee, don’t ask!), “we” were informed that the Cadillac drawing had taken place last month. The pretend shock & disappointment on my father’s face was less believable than my 3 yr-old’s ‘remorse’ face – this is when it first hit me about the lie.

Blah, blah, blah. I won nothing. Spent about $70 of my own money. Ate 3 desserts at the buffet. Shared a hotel room with my once-estranged father – not as bad as it could be because once the hearing aid is out and the glasses off, it’s almost like having a moment to oneself…

And sweat all night on top of the covers!!!! If sweat is the word for that really unpleasant coating of oily film that never evaporates because it is too molecularly thick to be lifted by air and must be absorbed back into the skin or cleansed by fast-moving water and a loofah. Is that flop sweat?

For the record, this is how temperature controls should be set for optimum relaxation and comfort!!


This photo was taken during one of several brief stops on the drive home – gas, bathroom, one more bottle of water, during what should have been a one hour and fifteen minute drive - when I seized the precious moments to blast freezing air without getting caught!!

Wednesday

I owed you this

It was here Saturday and I remembered to take the picture, but then forgot to post it. Here go: