Disarray

I feel I alienated my book club members with unedited neediness last night. I only had one drink.

Suggesting that my once-estranged father move closer to receive his chemo seemed like a good and charitable gesture when I was pretty sure he’d croak.

My writing does not flow, entertain and inspire. I read these other bloggers and they’re GOOD and uplifting and powerful. Instead of being inspired, I am ashamed and want my teddy bear. I don’t think the meds are working.

I went to the wrong college, have never been paid more than $22K a year, possess no discernible skill and do not have “connections”. This is greatly distressing as I still envision myself as a budding corporate success – just in a bit of a slump, as I have no job, no wardrobe and no lunch dates.

Acne plagues my pre-menopausal skin. I’m not strong enough to go no-carb in order to lose this matronly plumpness that robs me of my …nah, never had it. I’ve quit coloring my hair so that I can periodically hear how courageous I am.

Passion Parties annual convention is in Vegas again this year. I had the time of my life there 2 years ago and did nearly as well last year. My business has teetered on the brink of collapse for this entire fiscal year, so I wanted to attend as my last hurrah. Even if I didn’t attend the meetings (as that might be a bit too sad) I wanted to be around for the peripherals – that contact high, a bed I don’t have to make and the llaauuughiing!! – so, I booked a room at a different hotel for $36 a night. Now none of the usual crew is going. I thought I’d go out anyway, just for some Mommy time, but then really thought about 5 days alone in Vegas. It’s getting to the point where I need to book airline tickets or let it go and I really worry about the long-term ramifications of ‘letting it go’.

I’d love to attend BlogHer ’09 but don’t feel I’ve got the chops. Or what it takes to justify the expense due to the global financial situation and all.

I dubbed Friday’s blog theme: Forgiveness this Friday and then didn’t have time to write any of the things I’d like to forgive myself for – which made me feel guilty which I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for.

Recently, I learned that a friend spent several months in bed a few years back. I thought she was just being antisocial. I’m sorry and I know how easy it would be to crawl right back in.

Good thing I’ve got Facebook!!!!